I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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