Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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