i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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