the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
