you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
