if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
