If i come over, it means nothing
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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