She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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