apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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