first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
