Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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