Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
