i don't like sucking hair
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
