her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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