mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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