his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
