Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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