the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she smelled like a LAN party
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize