You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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