you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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