oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
