my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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