FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
