Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Randomize
