somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
