dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My feet surprised me
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