He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
