quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
