I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
