I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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