hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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