i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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