I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
