i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pooping to opera.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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