I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
