i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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