i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize