How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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