WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
