Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize