i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
