Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise