sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"