thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit