I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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