My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
