Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
