You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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