Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
