She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
