he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wear drunk well.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
