Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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