Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
