I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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