he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
