When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
