Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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