Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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