Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
